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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  August 20, 2015 1:36am-2:10am PDT

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17th. >> it's all yours, we'll check in with our good friend larry wilmore at the flightly show. larry, i think i know what story you are hitting tonight. >> larry: what story is that jon. >> jon: white n.a.a.c.p. lady, rachel dolezal, boom, boom! boom! >> larry: why that got nobody my wheelhouse, jon?
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no, none of this. what about the show we prepared on the former imf chief getting aquited in prince-- how about that? >> jon: yeah, sure. yeah,. >> larry: you know we're going to talk about that crazy white lady, come on. come on, jon. >> larry: . >> jon: all right, thank you, larry, have fun. that's our show. here it is, your home of zen. >> in the '90s i thought, lots of fun tweets so we will start with d who says in the '90s i thought that computers were much easier to use. remember the green flashing, you know. >> oh, yeah. >> and thought nothing will ever be as cool as crystal meth. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: tonightly, is birthright citizenship protected by the u.s. constitution? the
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gop says yes, as long as birthright citizenship is a type of gun. a couple is fighting mississippi's ban on same sex adoption. listen, if these two can handle being gay in mississippi, parent heed is going to be a breeze. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: and we ask the question, what exactly are anchor babies? if they are a cross between news anchors and muppet babies, count me in. it's our 100th nightly show! let's do this! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> larry: thank you very much. wow. look at this crowd. welcome to the nightly show. thank you so much. larry, larry! >> larry: thank you. >> such enthusiastic crowd, it is such an exciting night. man. i appreciate it, you guys because it took me an hour just to shave my head tonight. cut hair. very exciting news, it is our 100th episode tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: very exciting. i mean, it is not really that impressive for a late night show. i mean, it just means we have been on for about six months, but, hey, thanks for clapping. i appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: okay. all right. so i do have a question.
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what's happening with the unblackening? ♪ >> larry: tonight, mexicans. you say mexi-can, donald trump says mexi-can't. >> oh, yes on his plane he handed me his immigration plan. about an eight page plan, he wants to end the automatic right of citizenship for anyone born in the country. that's probably the biggest news in the plan. >> larry: no probably about it, chuck. i don't care if trump's immigration plan reveals the true identity of the zodiac killer. this is huge news. >> so to be cheer, okay, right now if you are born in this country you are a citizen. that's it. but according to trump, birthright citizenship is a magnet for illegal immigration and we need to end it.
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>> larry: guys, come on, you know donald has completely thought this through. >> we are going to keep the families together. we have to keep the families together. >> so you from going to send them out. >> they have to go. >> what if they have no place to go. we will work with them. they have to go. >> larry: they have to go? what is he going to do? like catapult the children over the border? that doesn't even make sense. >> larry. >> larry: oh, my gosh! >> larry! >> larry: it's donald trump in his mini chopper. >> that's right. >> larry: oh, my gosh. >> larry, please, please. what do you want? >> i am here to tell you that catapulting children over the border is a very great idea that i already had. >> larry: wait. so you actually want to catapult mexican children over the border? >> larry, if i may demonstrate, bring it in, boys. >> larry: all right. what is this? >> it is a little demonstration i set up for you. >> larry: all right.
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so what is it? >> basically what you are looking at right now, you are looking at a trump designed mexican baby catapult, larry. and that wall right there, that wall represents the mexican border of. >> larry: this is insane. >> larry do, me a favor. take that illegal brown child and put it in the catapult. go ahead. >> larry: i am not going to put the brown child in the catapult! >> calm down, larry. look, it is not actually an illegal brown child. it is just a simulation. and it is a very humane thing. just put the child in the luxurious catapult. >> larry: all right, all right. fine. i will put the child in the luxurious catapult. all right. so. >> trump made it. it is the best. >> larry: okay. i believe it. all right. >> that's right. that's how they go. now flip the switch. >> larry: flip the switch. all right. oh! >> don't worry about it. it is an illegal baby. that's fine.
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flip it. >> larry: oh. >> there you go. >> hey, larry you just made america great again. great job. >> larry: get out of here. donald trump, everyone. we will be right back. >> larry: go, go, go. i can't believe you made me do that. >> making me catapult mexican babies over -- now i know -- oh, thank you. now i know this -- there we go. now, i know this all seems crazy, but even some republican candidates are jumping on the luxurious trump train. >> senator lindsey graham telling cnn monday the birthright policy needs to be changed. >> louisiana governor bobby jindal writing on twitter we need to end birthright citizenship for illegal immigrants. scott walker also supports ending birthright citizenship. >> larry: quick optics, tip, scott walker. when the policy you want to end
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is going to lead to 0 a, minorities being rounded up and sent somewhere you might want to lower your arm. >> now to be fair, the republican establishment does not want to be having this conversation. jeb exclamation point. and marco rubio have both said they are not in favor of changing this law. but jeb is married to a mexican immigrant, and marco rubio is latino himself. so either they are more attuned to issues or they just have -- what is that thing called? oh, yeah, basic human empathy. i always forget that. all right. okay. all right. here is the thing. even bill o'reilly thinks trump has gone too far. >> then you say well we have to have mass deportation. that is not going to happen because the fourteenth amendment says if you are born here you are an american. >> bill, i think you are wrong about the fourteenth amendment.
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>> larry: i never thought i would say this, trump, but bill o'reilly is correct! [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: you know what, donald trump i need to take you to knowledge college, all right let's do that. >> all right. here now it is knowledge college. >> so birthright citizenship was always a part of the common law of the yiewrks it was part of our dna, like george washington stuffed crust pizza and the fast and furious movies. but then in 1857 the supreme court handed down the dred scott decision, not their best work. it kind of like their tokyo drift. it's the embarrassing one they would like everyone to forget. now because the dred scott decision said that african americans had no citizenship
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rights, whether by birth or otherwise, and then between 1857 and 1868 some stuff happened. by the way, after the stuff, congress took up the issue of citizenship and just not worried about the freed slaves, senator a the donald trufer of the day the naturalize the gypsies born in the country to which trumbull responded a child of a asiatic is just as much a citizen as the child of a european. >> asiatic? oh, racist language, even when you are not trying to be racist you somehow never let me down. >> but lyman was right and this is the debate that led to the passage of the fourteenth
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amendment which ebb shrined, enshrined birthright citizenship into law. and craziest of all, the fourteenth amendment was a republican idea, it was something they got completely right the first time, like healthcare exchanges and hating john edwards. but now it's under attack. this country wouldn't be what it is if the children of freed slaves, chinese laborers, irish and italian immigrants and the families of donald trump, bobby jindal and scott walker had not all benefited from birthright citizenship. if you are born here, that's it. okay? [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: okay? you don't have to live in the shadows. you don't have to worry about deportation, and no one can ask you to prove your heritage. well, unless they are insane. we will be right back. [ cheers and applause ] i'm going to college, but also launching a new start up. well these 2-in-1s come with a fast and powerful intel core processor, which means you'll have everything you need to take on whatever college or the real world might throw your way.
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>> larry: welcome back. there are times in people's lives when the odds are against
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them, the tide has turned, and they stand-alone, napoleon at waterloo, custer's last stand, cubs fans. and when that happens, i have to ask, so this is the hill you want to die on? ♪ ♪ >> larry: tonight's hill to die on, banning gay adoption. a federal lawsuit has just been filed challenging the last remaining adoption ban in the united states for same-sex couples. mississippi is the only state left in the nation that bans gay couples from adopting. >> that's right. mississippi. >> mississippi is the lone holdout against loving parents who happened to have two hoo-has or wee-wees. a now i am not saying that each parent has two hoo-has, you know, or wee-wees individually. i am not against how many hoo-has or wee-wees -- i think you guys know what i am saying
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here. all right, all right. but seriously, though, what is mississippi worried about? are they concerned that gay parents might threaten their record as ranking last in child well-being? okay. now here it is, tell us why mississippi is dying on this hill, please welcome mississippi state legal counsel, beechum grady. [ cheers and applause ] > >> why, thank you for having me, larry. >> larry: okay. you are welcome, beechum. so why doesn't mississippi want gay couples to adopt? >> larry, mississippi isn't anti-gay. it's simply pro-yesterday. >> larry: pro-yesterday? what does that mean? >> look, larry. mississippi is just trying to rebrand itself from the hospitality state to the nostalgia state. >> larry: the nostalgia state? >> that's right, because we want to be the one place in america where the good old days of the
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1950's never ended. where your biggest concern isn't global warming or isis, but how many penny colas you can sneak from old man johnson at the old five and dime, right? now doesn't that sound nice, larry? >> larry: well, yeah. it sounds pretty good when you put it like that. but what does that have to do with banning gay adoption. >> calm down. now, larry, if you go back far enough, gay doesn't exist yet. >> larry: what? >> larry, that is simple science. now, listen. >> larry: it is not science. >> so we are not anti-gay. we are simply pre-gay. >> larry: wait. did you say pre-gay? >> that's right, larry. after all, it's adam and eve not adam and steve. >> larry: okay.
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that's not true. look, first of all, gay people existed in the 1950's. what about rock hudson? >> you take that back, larry! >> larry: why? why should i take it back. >> you are talking about future rock hudson. now here in mississippi, rock hudson is still a man's man. >> larry: yeah, that's what i was saying, he was a man's man. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry, don't you twist my words with your northern trickery. >> larry: it is not trickery. >> besides, everybody knows it's christmas eve, not christmas steve. >> larry: christmas steve? look, the fifties were not a perfect time for anyone, especially gay people. you didn't see them because they had to stay in the closet. >> larry you know what i keep in my closet? a fishing pole. and what i do on a nice summer day i take it down to old ray's crick and i put some trout right there in my wicker basket. which reminds me. it's basket weave, don't basket
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steve. >> larry: that makes no sense at all. >> you know, larry, it's shreveport, not steve-port. >> larry: with a why are you so obsessed with the name steve i mean you can't use empty platitudes to try to disprove meaningful gay relationships and deny them basic rights to have a family. >> wow it sounds like someone's got a pet steve instead of a pet peeve. >> larry: okay. >> you are not making any sense. i can't even talk to you anymore. >> yves st. laurent, not steve st. laurent. >> larry: beechum, grady, everyone. >> it's tel aviv, not tell a steve! steve! >> larry: we will be right you can now use freeze it to prevent new purchases on your account in seconds. and once you find it, you can switch it right on again. you're back! freeze it, only from discover. get it at they put everything in here. so, what made you switch to taco bell's a.m. crunchwrap?
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ranking from top to bottom. car company of the year? luxury cars just seem like they would be top awarded. yeah. there better be some awards behind what you are paying for right? the final answer. chevrolet is the most awarded car company of the year. really? i was just surprised. i'm interested to learn more about chevy. let's check out these 2015 chevy's. it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. i mean, this is chevy?
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turn up the summer with bacardi limón. try the all new bacardi tangerine. ♪ >> larry: welcome back. i am here with my panel, stand-up special relevant will premiere on comedy central september 5th, and you can see him on nbc's the carmichael show, comedian lil rel howery, and very excited to have her on the show, very funny comedian, calise hawkins. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: and he is currently starring in married on fx airing thursdays, comedian and actor brett gelman. okay. so let's go there. this story happened earlier this week and i really wanted to talk about it. you guys heard about this i am sure about james harrison and the pittsburgh steelers. he post id on social media he took his son's participation trophies trophies back because they didn't earn them. because all the kids get
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trophies. his sons are six and eight years old. okay? >> now, i have been talking about this for a long time because i think this trophy -- is okay? do you think everyone so should get a trophy just for showing up. you have a child. >> yes, i have an eight-year-old, it is not this deep. this is six and eight-year-old, yes give them a trophy, they showed up and participated and they paid their dues and by dues i don't mean they worked for hard for it, i mean they paid their membership fees, they bought a trophy give it to them. >> by four and five, i don't think they know what a trophy is, it is like somebody got something and they didn't. with when you get a little older you have to start earning something, don't you think? >> yeah, definitely. i mean, but i don't know if six or eight is the age for that. >> larry: the cutoff? >> i think 13 is the cutoff. >> larry: 13? >> bar mitzvah and then you have to start earning. >> which is why my real point
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today is that everyone jewish or not should have a ba bar mitzva. automatic, right? [ cheers and applause ] >> let me say this. i agree with everything james did, i think, you know --. >> everything he did? >> that is not (bleep). >> okay. all right. >> this situation, i have a son and it is competition, man, you don't want to make it seem you don't have to be good to get something and if they give out awards, give out specific awards, you are the best bench person. you sit on the bench the best. i mean, just to give it out, i don't know about that. >> but taking them away, i mean, come on, don't take it away. i mean, maybe they shouldn't give it but that is kind of a (bleep)ed up thing, taking the kid's trophy. >> it is kind of messed up, he is trying to take them a lesson. >> larry: that daddy hates you. >> yeah. we are talking about a man who
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was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend, if he wants to teach his two boys a good 11 it would be not to hit women. [ cheers and applause ] >> >> a good lesson. >> >> i think, i think she jealous of his kids, that he doesn't get a participation trophy for not beating up women every day. >> at the end of the day he wants his own trophy. >> i knew you were going there. >> you know what a binkie is? >> (bleep). >> is self-esteem overrated? serve so concerned that children have self-esteem. charles manson had an amazing amount of self-esteem. he thought he was jesus.
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>> why do we care so much about self-esteem? >> i don't know. i mean, i am not the most successful comedian, but i am doing pretty good and i hate myself, so -- i wonder if i had a high self-esteem would i be doing -- >> you would be off the charts. >> would i do better or would i be in my living room? >> it is important, for real, like self-esteem is very important. >> i have a lot of self-esteem. i don't like dating women without self-esteem because i mean most of the time when you break up with somebody they don't have self-esteem they blame you for everything. >> that is serious. >> you are, i am dead serious, you are the reason they didn't do everything they wanted to do in life and if you did what you want in life -- i am just basically telling my story. >> it is very personal. >> for real. >> this is turning into a therapy session all of a sudden. >> that is what happens when you bring up the sd word.
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>> se word. >> self-esteem. >> in little league games sometimes they don't keep score. i mean (bleep). >> why are you even playing this game? why? if they would have taken the bat away from me, it would have saved me a lot of grief. >> it is like get out of here. you shouldn't be here. >> i think that -- yeah, i think that -- well, first of all, i think that kids, they don't need to worry about having their self-esteem challenged because they are going to have to interact with other kids and kids are evil at some point. >> that's true. >> they are evil. >> that's a fact. >> did you ever get on -- did you ever get on a subway car at 3:00 o'clock in the afternoon? you get off wanting to (bleep)ing kill yourself. [ cheers and applause ] >> it is horrible. >> maybe he was right. maybe we should snatch all the little trophies away. we will be right back.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> if you live in the new york city area or are planning to visit, grab some free tickets 0 to an upcoming taping of the nightly show. the show tapes monday through thursday. thursday. for complete details go to only pull 'n' peel let's you pull it, peel it, play it. fun never tasted so good with chewy, fruity pull 'n' peel candy from twizzlers. dso at gnc, why do we do it?st quality nutrition isn't easy, why do we work to deliver clinically studied products to fill the world's nutrition gaps? why do we insist on the most stringent quality checks, period? well, here's why. celebrating 80 years of quality life and quality products. now save big on some of the world's best nutritional products,
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